The other day Ian said something that hurt my feelings. Like really hurt. I knew that if he knew how much it hurt he wouldn’t have said it. And immediately after saying it I could tell he regretted it. And it didn’t take long for him to apologize……but it still hurt. I have to say it took a while for me to sort out in my head how I was going to respond, was I going to let these words effect me? Was I  going to let it dig into the trust we have built over the years? Or was I going to stop and focus on all of the good things knowing that this was a mistake. And that I make them all the time and I needed to let it go. What he said wasn’t even all that terrible but it touched a spot in me that stung.

Had he said it 5 years ago I would have buried myself in self doubt and even though the thought, maybe he didn’t mean it would have crossed my mind, I would have clung to the words because that’s how I saw myself. That I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t measure up. That this one comment was enough to cancel out years of compliments.

I know you’ve probably been there too. And although everyone has different degree’s of insecurities, our mental struggles probably sound a lot alike.

Someone says or does something that stings….
Doesn’t matter cause it’s not true
But people say this is true
But it’s not…. maybe it is…. maybe they’re the only one brave enough to say it…. maybe they are saying/doing what everyone else is thinking…… What if ….And on it goes.

I for so long concluded in my head that I would never ever want to be so blissfully unaware of my flaws and just be me.That I needed to be right and I needed to be totally self aware.  But in thinking and being that, I have been petrified to screw up. Or really to do anything, I have just stayed in this safe little boring box, that has eroded who I am to the point that I have started to question my motives on things. I am discovering on a daily basis that things I like/don’t like are solely based on fear and not on who I really am.

I am also becoming ok with the fact that I can only grow, and never ‘arrive’. That I am going to be wrong, that I’m going to have to apologize and that I can do so without completely screwing up the future. That people are going to have their opinions about me and that it’s really none of my business. That most of the time peoples opinions of me are reflections of their own insecurities, an that there really is only One that I have to answer to. And that I can choose to consider what people say and choose to either accept it as constructive criticism or dismiss it and move on. What a freeing thought.

I, by no means, have this figured out or am perfect at it, but I’m growing. And that friends, is something I am very proud of.

Remember that you are loved, you are important, and you matter.

Jasmine