I want to tell you a story from September 13, 2013. 

In the months leading up to that day I was listening to an audiobook about childbirth. It is an awesome book about having faith for the very best possible pregnancy and delivery. About how it doesn’t have to be traumatic and ultimately it was according to your own faith. While I fully believe that the very best talked about in the book is possible, at that point in my life, I felt conflicted on whether or not I could have it. But instead of being ok with where I was at I lalala’d through it and ignored it. I read what I could so I felt fully prepared, planner of everything 🙂

Well September 13 came and 10 days past due, I finally went into labour. I’ll save you all the boring details, but I will say I was so calm the nurses didn’t think I was actually doing anything. I felt absolutely certain that everything was going to be fine. But after about 12 hours of no sleep and only 3hrs just prior to that, I was fading. Unable to fully grasp what people were asking me and having absolutely no energy to go any further, things started to hurt. And yes, prior to that, I had almost 0 pain. 

The sweet nurse let me know very casually that if I wanted I could still have an epidural. Part of me immediately said No! That is not the plan! And I am going to stick to the plan. To accept that would be admitting defeat. It would show that I don’t have enough faith, I can’t do that… While another part of me remembered parts of the book that said according to your faith. Also thoughts went to a preacher that I really admire,  jokingly declaring from the pulpit that epidurals were from the Lord 🙂 While my own mind struggled to figure out how I really felt I became increasingly uneasy. I didn’t care for that feeling. Up until then everything had such an amazing peace about about it all. The nurse saw how weary I was getting and asked me calmly,

‘Would you like an epidural?’ 

‘I wanted to do this without one’ 

At this point Ian said ‘If you want one, just get one’ 

‘But I wanted to do this naturally’ 

‘Ya but if you need one, that’s what they are made for, it’s up to you, but maybe it’s a good idea’ 

I lay there trying to make sense of what was happening. At this point my brain felt so foggy and exhausted. Everything was getting so uncomfortable and as I looked at the nurse I felt like a failure as I said 

‘ok. ‘

 ‘You’d like an epidural?’ 

That was the hardest ‘yes please’ I had ever said. I had failed. I went against the plan. After that there was rushing and scurrying as people were called and nurses were prepping things and I sat there feeling so low. Like I had let down God. I felt like by saying yes to an epidural I was was saying that I didn’t believe in the best He had. Like I was turning my back on all of our conversations leading up to that point. I was having a hard time not crying for those whole 20mins or so while everything was happening around me. Just as he was about to put a needle in, I whispered inside,

‘I’m sor’I Still Love You‘

Just like that. I couldn’t even finish my thought. I couldn’t even finish apologizing to Him for what I thought was letting God down. And His voice, not an audible, but a calm, silencing, overwhelmingly loving feeling in my core , in a beautiful interruption, told me that He Loved Me. I feel like my words are inadequate to discribe the feeling I had. It was like in a moment I knew that once again it was all ok. That I was doing good, all of the validation I needed was there, that no matter what happened around me, that in me was good. Somehow that while I felt inadequate, He said I wasn’t. And that was all I needed. 

Thank the Lord for whoever created epidurals:) The rest of that day went fantasticaly and while there were a few things that could have gone very wrong, they all went very well. Chevelle Grace was born that day. Healthy, happy and wonderful. 

And that my friends, is a story of amazing love.