Author: jasminekroeker

Is Carnivore really a good idea?

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

You know when you’re about to start something and it’s seems hard so your brain starts coming up with all kinds of reasons why you shouldn’t? Yep that’s what happened the few days before I decided I was going to do carnivore, my brain started to doubt it. Is this a good idea? Are you going to be able to stick to it? The biggest thing one was, you’re not ready!

But on Jan. 31 I started. I had a couple things like a birthday and a class, the week before that and I didn’t was to deal with the questions prior to that date. What are toying? Why are you doing that? You’re going to have a heart attack! And on and on. That was something I really wasn’t ready for.

My biggest fear the first week was the keto flu. I’ve been through it before and it took me out!!! It was so bad and I did not want to go through it again. I watched a ton of info videos before hand and found that taking minerals and digestive enzymes (ya know the whole no gallbladder thing) should help. And you know what?? It did. I had a few days of needing the bathroom urgently. And I was tired. But other than that… no flu! I don’t know if you can tell but I was excited:)

Me and husband started at the same time and had bacon and eggs for breakfast that day. only to realize after… they had sugar in them. So many things have sugar! It’s ridiculous. We had steak with salt for supper. By day three I was getting nauseous. Not because I was ill but because I reeeeeally don’t like meat. The smell, the taste, the texture… not for me. But! I was going to keep going because I said I would.

After about 3-4 days the aches in my hands and elbows was gone. It was amazing! I tightened dreads for 3.5 hours and no pain! I was amazed. By the end of the week I tried eating meat sticks and low and behold pain and swelling were back. I just kinda stopped eating much. I wasn’t hungry really at all and all my food sounded gross. I did a 23 hour fast and it actually went really well. The first week I lost 8 pounds, from what I understand the first week is a lot of inflammation and water weight being lost. but for someone who has 80lbs to loose…. I’ll take it.

Week 2 continued with not a lot of eating. I ate a lot of eggs and a mild Italian sausage I found that had no sugar. Yay! At this point I had allowed myself some spices, because while I was determined, I couldn’t see how I was going to continue with how much I didn’t like meat.

At some point in week two I was doing a couple hours of hair (did I mention I’m a p/t hairstylist?) and I almost passed out. It was a good friend so I just told her and sat leaned back in the shampoo chair till the feeling passed… falling over in front of her 6 year old wasn’t really something I want to do lol. After thinking about it, I think I wasn’t drinking enough water and I forgot to take my minerals the day prior. So I don’t forget those anymore, and I ordered some electrolyte drink mixes.

Late in the week husband and I went to Mongos and just got big bowls of meat. It was so fun to go on a date and not have to cook. We did have to cheat and use sesame oil because they didn’t have a carnivore option, but we felt fine in the morning. Husband is doing a dirty carnivore. If bacon has sugar he doesn’t really care. And spices have never been an issue to him.

I finished up week two gaining a couple pounds. While not ideal, I said I would do this, so I will continue, at least for 30 days and see how it goes. I need to find food I like eating, that’s for sure. So is this really a good idea for me? I’ll have to see. Is it a good idea for my husband? He loves it!

See you in the next one:)

To carnivore or not to carnivore?

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

Oh hi there! It’s been a while. I thought I’d let you in on what I’ve been up to. Let’s just get right into it.

Last year in late fall-ish husband said, “I think I want to go carnivore.” “What’s that?”I asked, very confused. “It’s where you just eat meat. Apparently it’s really good for you. ” My first thought was, ew (I don’t really like meat) My second thought was that would be so expensive! (I’m a shop sales, and only eat a bit of meat a day) my third thought was, you just was to eat a bunch of meat. (He’s been saying he wants to eat more meat for a while) He mentioned it a couple more times over the next couple months so I figured I’d look into it.

The first place I looked was YouTube and found that Jordan and Mykala Peterson were doing what they called the Lion diet. Ruminant animals and salt and water. Sounded like torture. But it did clear up a ton of issues for them. Then the trusty algorithm pulled up a ton of other carnivore accounts. I watched so many videos of how carnivore has helped people from autoimmune disorders and other ailments. Then i watched a bunch of ‘getting started’ videos. It was starting I seem like a good idea.

I told husband about my findings and told him if he really wanted to do it I would shop some sales and when the bison we ordered came in I would help him with it. There were a few accounts I found interesting that I continued to watch and was so intrigued about how they were able to get rid of insulin resistance, loose a ton of weight, didn’t have aching joints anymore and a ton of other things. It was starting to sound like a good idea for me. Currently I was doing intermittent fasting, which was helping some issues a bit, but very easy to bail on when things were hard. Which, i mean, is good and bad, cause it’s just as easy to jump back on.

So, by mid January I was convinced that I needed to try it for my self. I set the goal to do it for 1 month, with a long goal of 3. I know this is not something, even with it’s benefits, that I can do long term. I really am not a fan of meat in general…. So I set the date of Jan 31 to start and didn’t book much for 2 weeks. Just in case the ‘keto’ or ‘carnivore’ flu was as bad as I had experienced before. I got myself some digestive enzymes, because I have no gallbladder, some mineral pills so I didn’t get dehydrated and started stocking up on meat.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with carnivore, I’ll give you a quick overview. I’m not an expert, but I have at least a basic understanding. There are basically 3 tiers. Tiers 1 is all ruminant animals, salt and water. People with bad autoimmune disorders and other things tend to stick closer to this one for the most benefits. Tier 2 is all animals across the board, so tier 1 plus pork, fish and other seafood and such, as well as eggs. Tier 3 is tier 2 plus full fat dairy, preferably as little processing as possible. Some people have issues with dairy and some people don’t. Allot of this will be a bit of trial and error. Start with the basis of tier 1 and add things and see how you feel. Some other things to remember is that this is a high fat, zero carb way of eating. So make sure the meat your eating doesn’t have sugar added (it’s everywhere!!) Also make sure you are eating enough fat. You can cook with any animal fat you want. People even just eat straight butter lol. Another important thing is the stay hydrated. Make sure to eat lots of salt to keep hydrated and drink lots of water. A lot of people will ease into it. Like starting with keto, or start increasing their fat slowly. Besides that meat, meat, meat!

Stay tuned to see how my first week went:)

Amen? Awomen?

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

When I first read ‘if you add, Awomen after Amen, you are Amoron’ I have to admit, I did giggle to myself. But not in a mean way. I had no idea this was even a thing. But its like when I laugh when people think 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner is a thing. It’s a ridiculous concept if you know anything about how shampoo and conditioner work. But if you don’t know, if its never been important to you, then how would you know?

So I thought I’d shine a little light on it. Feeling the need to interject Awomen after amen is like saying, “Be truckful.”, after someone says be careful. Just because careful has the word car in it, doesn’t mean you have to feel the need to include trucks as well… The word men is in there, yes… but its not saying ‘A men’ … or ‘man’ at the end of a prayer. While I can kinda see how you’d get here. There has been a lot of crappy people that have used religion to dominate women and the such, this really has nothing to do with the word Amen.

Amen isn’t even an english word. It’s a Jewish word that means ‘so be it’. A word of agreement. Some ppl will say amen as poeple are talking, to say I agree with you, or thats a good point, kinda thing. But mostly it’s used at the end of a prayer, for example, before bed we always pray for protection with the kids. So it would sound something like “and protection over our home, our family and our friends. Amen” or in Jesus name, Amen” So we are praying protection and ending it in an amen. The people who didnt pray, say Amen’ in agreement, in a “I agree with you, so be it ”

Now because I know some people will think, Why are you praying in Jesus name? Why not Mary or a female. Again I hear where you are coming from. But let me explain a bit, this is in no way a poo on women thing. Mary was chosen by God to give birth to Jesus (and yes I also get that if you dont belive in the Bible this sounds nuts, but hear me out) So you can’t pray to Mary or through Mary because shes a human. Shes not God. Jesus had to come to earth as a man, born of a women, well because that how birthing works. God sent Jesus to live among us, to show us how to live as a human. With love and power. With strenghth and humility.

The bible tells of so many women God used to do amazing things, not just men. Women are not left out or seen as less then in the bible. Regardless of how some people like to twist words and try to control people. It’s really not a thing. You don’t need to add ‘Awomen’ because in all honesty, it really has no correlation or make any sense. Hope this helps:)

With love,

Jasmine Jean

You can’t make me feel bad because I parent different then you. And you shouldn’t feel bad either. 

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

A few days ago our family was walking through Home Depot when Chevelle saw all the lawn furniture set up. ‘Oooo mommy, we could put these on the deck and umbrellas and tables and barbecues and have our friends over and have hamburgers.’ This explains Chevelle pretty well:) She has come to love planning, explaining and inviting. And to top it off this morning she was telling me how she makes her bed so her friends can come over for her spring party. She is my little first born, that is for sure.

All of this got me thinking, is it wrong for me to encourage this, is it a bad thing that she feels she needs to clean, so that. I have explained to her that cleaning isn’t necessary for people to come over or for life in general but I enjoy having a clean house, but is that enough? Am I wrong in encouraging her to do things in a certain order? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but I make an effort (and lately a much bigger one) to have a clean organized house. You know why? Because I enjoy it! And it helps me to be more productive. There I said it. I love organizing, I love cleaning (sorta). I love purging. I love planning and decorating and presentation. I love matching and creating and I will teach my kids how to as well. Why? Because they are my kids. And if they grow up and decide they don’t like it? Then I am 100% ok with that.

I’ve read so many great posts on either side of this lately, but I feel like they are all missing one aspect. One aspect that I feel is ridiculously important when it comes to all of this. To group all ‘parents’ in the same definition of the word isn’t only slightly ridiculous, it’s limiting. None of us grew up the same way, went to the same school, have the same friends, watched the same TV shows nor do we have the same gifts , abilities, and talents, all in the same amounts. We are not all the same even in the slightest. And even as adults we’ve changed, we’ve grown differently, we’ve chosen different paths in careers, downtimes, and traveling. I could keep listing things but you get it.

And to top it all off, WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES!!

Have you taken a personality test? They’re awesome. You can take ones on Facebook, they give you the same answers as all your friends. Just kidding don’t do that, there are lots of good ones, but the one that I’ve taken that was my favorite was one called the DISC system. I encourage you to check it out. It suggests that there are four main personality types and we are all a combination of four. Not to limit you, but to show you what you generally lean towards in certain situations. Along with personality tests, I encourage you to check out Dr. Kevin Lehman’s book ‘The birth order book’. It explains generally how our place in our birth order affects our personality.

If you take all of this into consideration, it’s no wonder that no parents can agree on how to raise their children. And there’s nothing wrong with that, every child is different, every parent is different and that’s what makes us unique individuals in our own family. Sure there is important aspects like food, clothes, shelter, love. But how we go about them is unique to our own families and their own kids.

I’m going to pick on cleaning because I’ve run into this several times with people.  I’ve had people tell me that they don’t like when people’s houses are to clean because you don’t feel comfortable going there. To that I would say if you don’t feel comfortable going to a clean house, that’s on you, not them. They are not lying or pretending they are perfect. Maybe they just like cleaning up and presenting their home like that. To be honest, one of the things I like most about company is how well the house gets cleaned prior:) Its so relaxing to hang out in a clean house, and offer your company coffee and know there will be a clean cup 🙂

Adulting is hard enough. Lets be kind to ourselves and others. We are all figuring ourselves and the world out as we go. Peace out everyone. I’m going to go clean my kitchen…. just kidding. I’m going to cruise the internet and go to bed. 6am is coming to soon.

A story about Love. 

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

I want to tell you a story from September 13, 2013. 

In the months leading up to that day I was listening to an audiobook about childbirth. It is an awesome book about having faith for the very best possible pregnancy and delivery. About how it doesn’t have to be traumatic and ultimately it was according to your own faith. While I fully believe that the very best talked about in the book is possible, at that point in my life, I felt conflicted on whether or not I could have it. But instead of being ok with where I was at I lalala’d through it and ignored it. I read what I could so I felt fully prepared, planner of everything 🙂

Well September 13 came and 10 days past due, I finally went into labour. I’ll save you all the boring details, but I will say I was so calm the nurses didn’t think I was actually doing anything. I felt absolutely certain that everything was going to be fine. But after about 12 hours of no sleep and only 3hrs just prior to that, I was fading. Unable to fully grasp what people were asking me and having absolutely no energy to go any further, things started to hurt. And yes, prior to that, I had almost 0 pain. 

The sweet nurse let me know very casually that if I wanted I could still have an epidural. Part of me immediately said No! That is not the plan! And I am going to stick to the plan. To accept that would be admitting defeat. It would show that I don’t have enough faith, I can’t do that… While another part of me remembered parts of the book that said according to your faith. Also thoughts went to a preacher that I really admire,  jokingly declaring from the pulpit that epidurals were from the Lord 🙂 While my own mind struggled to figure out how I really felt I became increasingly uneasy. I didn’t care for that feeling. Up until then everything had such an amazing peace about about it all. The nurse saw how weary I was getting and asked me calmly,

‘Would you like an epidural?’ 

‘I wanted to do this without one’ 

At this point Ian said ‘If you want one, just get one’ 

‘But I wanted to do this naturally’ 

‘Ya but if you need one, that’s what they are made for, it’s up to you, but maybe it’s a good idea’ 

I lay there trying to make sense of what was happening. At this point my brain felt so foggy and exhausted. Everything was getting so uncomfortable and as I looked at the nurse I felt like a failure as I said 

‘ok. ‘

 ‘You’d like an epidural?’ 

That was the hardest ‘yes please’ I had ever said. I had failed. I went against the plan. After that there was rushing and scurrying as people were called and nurses were prepping things and I sat there feeling so low. Like I had let down God. I felt like by saying yes to an epidural I was was saying that I didn’t believe in the best He had. Like I was turning my back on all of our conversations leading up to that point. I was having a hard time not crying for those whole 20mins or so while everything was happening around me. Just as he was about to put a needle in, I whispered inside,

‘I’m sor’I Still Love You‘

Just like that. I couldn’t even finish my thought. I couldn’t even finish apologizing to Him for what I thought was letting God down. And His voice, not an audible, but a calm, silencing, overwhelmingly loving feeling in my core , in a beautiful interruption, told me that He Loved Me. I feel like my words are inadequate to discribe the feeling I had. It was like in a moment I knew that once again it was all ok. That I was doing good, all of the validation I needed was there, that no matter what happened around me, that in me was good. Somehow that while I felt inadequate, He said I wasn’t. And that was all I needed. 

Thank the Lord for whoever created epidurals:) The rest of that day went fantasticaly and while there were a few things that could have gone very wrong, they all went very well. Chevelle Grace was born that day. Healthy, happy and wonderful. 

And that my friends, is a story of amazing love. 

How to mom…. without hating yourself 

Published on by jasminekroeker2 Comments

Let it go…

No seriously, let it go…Not from the movie. (Ha ha now it’s stuck in your head:) 

I by no means have this momming thing figured out. And I’m not going to pretend to. But one thing that has been a huge help is to … you guessed it… let it go. 

What do I mean? Well, a lot of things. 

When you loose your $%!@ and you feel terrible because why can’t I keep it together and be nice like the other moms? Or like the old me??? Ha! Apologize for your outburst, tuck your crazy back in. And let it go. 

When you have a big list of all you are going to accomplish today and you get through 2 things and you feel like a failure and your coffee lied to you and your children hate anything clean and why can’t I just have a pretty house.?!? Be happy you did 2 things and try again tomorrow. Then, let it go. 

Or when you are just having one of those days were you lie in bed at night and think what the hell happened! Is it a full moon? Why does everything feel so off?!? Pray, be thankful, find peace, label the day with do not repeat. And, Let. It. Go. 

Today is a new day. Just try and keep on making each one better. The only thing that holding on to mistakes is going to do is make you miserable (and probably your family too) There’s a better chance your kid is going to remember ‘that really great day’ than the not so great ones. When they’re grown they’re not going to think, well that memory is so great, except all these things weren’t, so it cancels it out. They are going to look back and think, wow, my mom rocks.

So when you feel like you just can’t seem to get out of a rut, think, is it because I’m holding on to all yesterdays (week, month, year, life) mistakes? Today is a new day, full of new choices. So don’t give up just because it’s hard. Just … well, you know;)

I believe in you,

Jasmine:)

When words hurt

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

The other day Ian said something that hurt my feelings. Like really hurt. I knew that if he knew how much it hurt he wouldn’t have said it. And immediately after saying it I could tell he regretted it. And it didn’t take long for him to apologize……but it still hurt. I have to say it took a while for me to sort out in my head how I was going to respond, was I going to let these words effect me? Was I  going to let it dig into the trust we have built over the years? Or was I going to stop and focus on all of the good things knowing that this was a mistake. And that I make them all the time and I needed to let it go. What he said wasn’t even all that terrible but it touched a spot in me that stung.

Had he said it 5 years ago I would have buried myself in self doubt and even though the thought, maybe he didn’t mean it would have crossed my mind, I would have clung to the words because that’s how I saw myself. That I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t measure up. That this one comment was enough to cancel out years of compliments.

I know you’ve probably been there too. And although everyone has different degree’s of insecurities, our mental struggles probably sound a lot alike.

Someone says or does something that stings….
Doesn’t matter cause it’s not true
But people say this is true
But it’s not…. maybe it is…. maybe they’re the only one brave enough to say it…. maybe they are saying/doing what everyone else is thinking…… What if ….And on it goes.

I for so long concluded in my head that I would never ever want to be so blissfully unaware of my flaws and just be me.That I needed to be right and I needed to be totally self aware.  But in thinking and being that, I have been petrified to screw up. Or really to do anything, I have just stayed in this safe little boring box, that has eroded who I am to the point that I have started to question my motives on things. I am discovering on a daily basis that things I like/don’t like are solely based on fear and not on who I really am.

I am also becoming ok with the fact that I can only grow, and never ‘arrive’. That I am going to be wrong, that I’m going to have to apologize and that I can do so without completely screwing up the future. That people are going to have their opinions about me and that it’s really none of my business. That most of the time peoples opinions of me are reflections of their own insecurities, an that there really is only One that I have to answer to. And that I can choose to consider what people say and choose to either accept it as constructive criticism or dismiss it and move on. What a freeing thought.

I, by no means, have this figured out or am perfect at it, but I’m growing. And that friends, is something I am very proud of.

Remember that you are loved, you are important, and you matter.

Jasmine

Flawed or fake….

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

be like the ones

I posted this on social media today and got very few likes….not that I get tons of likes normally, but I found it interesting.

The thing is, I completely mean it. Some of the most honest, stay true to themselves, non-judgmental people I know are the people everyone would tell you to stay away from.

Now depending on who you are and how you were raised will determine what kinds of people you group into what category.

I didn’t realize when I posted this how much it actually had to do with Easter, and whether you believe in God or Jesus or any of it hear me out. Humour my happy accident. No matter what screwed up things people have done in the name of religion, one thing is clear, we are to live as Jesus lived. Live by the 2 commandments He gave in the new testament. Love your God with everything you are, and love your neighbor as yourself. He didn’t say which neighbor, He didn’t say when, He just said do it. And He did just that, He hung out with people no one who took themselves too seriously would. He commented on the faith of people that no one would have noticed. He loved everyone! That didn’t mean He committed crimes with them, bashed authorities to be cool or caused problems cause He was bored. But He stood up for what was right, He spoke up against people who thought they were king sh*t and He knew where He stood. And not only did He do this for people while He lived, but He died for those same people. He made a way so no one would be lost.

Now I’m definitely not saying I’m anywhere close to perfect! I’m inconsistent, I over share, I can be lazy, I’m awkward, and I’m pretty lacking on social skills…. (and writing skills lol) And I’m not particularly proud of any of these things, I’m working on them all the time….. well sometimes 😉 But I would rather be famously flawed and real, loving people for where they are and not have a front to stand behind, then to pretend I’m perfect and have to constantly lie and act like I’m better then anyone. I have to say it’s scary to be real, especially when you’ve gone most of your life thinking that if you mess up you can never do anything great. But the more I meet new people, the more I know being genuine and unapologetically you is more important then a title or fitting in with a certain group (lets be honest I’ve never really fit in any group, but at least now I’ve settled in my mind that to do great things I don’t have to one day) I can grow up my own way, I can be better then I was yesterday, I can be me. And because of that, a lot of the time I would rather hang out with people that have great qualities that I want to learn from then the ones that pretend to have them. I don’t care (well I’m trying more not to) if people think I’m crazy or think I’m going down the wrong path. I’ll stay grounded and focused on what I know is important and who is important. And I suggest you do the same. If you pretend you’re perfect or even just try to hide and keep quiet so they don’t come out. You’re  not doing yourself or anyone else a favor. You’re telling the world in your own quite way that they can’t be themselves either. 

Come on now let’s be flawed together:) 

1st vs. 2nd……

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

So its been like 2 weeks since we found out I, in fact don’t have pcos , but am pregnant. Good thing too cause by now I for sure would think I have a tumor or something. This baby is getting huge! Over the next couple of weeks I will have my next ultrasound and hopefully get a more accurate due date, meet my actual baby Dr (the one I requested, yay!!) and have a follow up with my regular Dr. I have to say that between this baby and last I have forgotten a lot of things about being prego and the such. But oh they are all coming back now. Like the 5000 Dr.s appointments, all the blood being taken, the kicks in the bladder, and the exciting thought of, I cant wait to meet this little one. This pregnancy has so far been a lot like the first, mostly I’m just noticing this are happening sooner. Well at least they feel like they are, finding out at 18+ weeks makes it all feel faster ha!

There are some things that are different though. Like those weird muscle spasm things that I only remember happening after Chevelle was born are happening now. Like the kind that don’t hurt but take you by surprise when you bend forward and take a deep breath. And holy crap! they are strong this time, I scared the crap outa myself, it felt like the baby was trying to escape. I have no idea if there is a certain name for them, I’ll have to ask at one of my 5000 appointments. I’m assuming its my stomach muscles yelling, Hey! way to not strengthen us like ever in your life. We’re to tired for this….. (mental note, find belly support band)

Another thing that’s different is my belly. With Chevelle my belly was so cute, huge,  round and perfect…… well minus it looking like wolverine was trying to escape from within. And this time… well its more tired looking, more of an oblong then a circle…. kinda like a weird water balloon. So not only is the shape weird, but I carry a lot more weight there then the first time (yet without weighing any more… I don’t get it), so when I do wear my supportive maternity pants it looks like I’m either ready to pop or half way done, with 8 on the way.

Boys for this one, do whatever the equivalent of covering your ears is…. The first time around as I gained weight in my chest I thought, awesome! These look even better! This time, well I guess they’re a little tired …. but at least Ian doesn’t care which direction they grow…… That’s what push-ups are for anyway.

Well, I know this won’t be everyone’s story of their second but that what makes us so cool. We can go though the same things and yet have completely different experiences. Some of us love being pregnant while others… well not so much. Some can’t wait to meet our next little one, and others….. while we’re excited, we’re also slightly terrified. I think that it’s important for us to share our stories, and to be a little vulnerable. For too long I think women and men have felt like they have to only share what they think is considered perfect, and what they think is social norm. And that is just feeding into the pinterest perfect life illusion that is social media. And while I love a great matchy matchy party with a lot of thought and detail, I also like real life, with its mess and all.

-jasmine

p.s. I know there is probably a TON of mistakes in this post…. it’s entirely past my bed time.

How I found out I was pregnant at 4+ months

Published on by jasminekroekerLeave a comment

For anyone wondering how “I didn’t know” I was pregnant for 4 (or possibly 5, I’m still not sure) here’s what happened… (it’s kinda long and I’m trying to be a real as possible in case you or anyone you know feels like this, whether knowing your pregnant or not lol. It’s ok to feel crazy, just make sure you have someone to talk to about it…. thanks Laura and Ian:)
Ian and I decided we wanted to get prego in the fall of 2015, and in sept/oct I could have sworn I was. I took 5 home tests within about a month or so and they all said no. So I went to the Dr. and got a pee test and a blood test, both came back negative. I searched online for others that had negative tests but were actually prego and found some, so I still wasn’t totally convinced that I wasn’t.
This whole time I was nauseous, bloated, hungry, emotional and gaining weight (I’m sorry Ian). I really didn’t feel good and it felt a lot like being pregnant with Chevelle, But I didn’t want to feel disappointment if I actually wasn’t, so I tried to stop obsessing over it (because being a first born, I really wanted our plan to happen and with all the hormones going on I felt nuts) So I made an appointment with my Dr, for a physical unsure emoticon I figured if I wasn’t pregnant something else was up and I wanted to know how to fix it. In mid-December I had my physical and again the tests said no baby, but it was looking like I had PCOS. Not the end of the world but a pain in the butt. My Dr. put in a request to have an ultrasound to confirm, and when I got the letter it said I would have it in febuary…. great, now I had to wait about 2 months longer to figure this out. So needless to say I was pretty bummed. At this time my mental capacity to handle life in general was getting pretty iffy and I spent a lot of time doing nothing feeling exhausted. I thought I was over any depression and anxiety that I had dealt with over the years, and was pretty frustrated that it was coming back. I felt pretty helpless to stop it (those of you who have felt that know exactly how defeating it can feel)  I not only felt emotional , but I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was broken. I had almost completely stopped getting my period other then some spotting, which at first is one of the main reasons I thought, yay! baby! but everything said no. For the first time in my life I wished every day to get it. I knew I had to do something, because I noticed it was effecting Chevelle and that’s not OK.
So I went to Health trek in Selkirk and got tested, I told him what was going on and he gave me his cell number and told me to let him know when we find out we were pregnant ….. I think he knew lol. I decided that this was going to be my starting point, the point where I was going to finally get my health back,I wrote out a plan I had it all figured out. I was going to get to my goal healthy weight by this fall so we could try again then. There was no way I was going to feel this crappy and get prego again. I immediately started taking the herbs and followed the food restrictions, I felt better for a few weeks and then stared getting worse again. I had lost almost 15lbs by mid February but was stuck there. I finally felt like I was getting out of the cloud I was stuck in, but I started having panic attacks….. about nothing. (One of the funniest lines from Ian… now that I look back, was “I think I broke mommy” after I managed to laugh till I couldn’t breath, start balling, hyperventilate and back to crying…. thank goodness Chevelle was in the bathroom lol) . So I decided to go back to Health trek and said I think I need to switch something I’m still not prego and I’m feeling worse again. He looked a little confused for a second (probably because I didn’t know yet) but sure enough I did need to change them. I continued to do what he said….. mostly lol but cravings were getting stronger lol
It was not long after that I had my ultra sound. The night before I couldn’t help but notice how much this felt like pregnancy and how much this “gas” felt like a baby moving. I got up early and made sure I was all ready to go, and as I looked in the mirror I thought , I wouldn’t even be upset if someone thought I was pregnant in this dress… I look pregnant.
I got to my appointment,
“Did you drink your water?”
“Yes and I have to pee very badly”
I got into the room and the tech asked something to the effect of, “Why did your Dr. send you here today?”
“To see if I have pcos or not.”
“Why does your Dr. think you have that?” So I quickly explained.
“Are you pregnant?”
“Nope, we’re trying to figure out why though”
She got me to lay on the table to check my stomach and as I lay there dreading the next step, she put the wand on my stomach and looked at me with a look that said uuuuhhhhh. She said nothing and turned the screen towards me. There I saw a head and 2 little arms and 2 little legs.
“Are you kidding me! Seriously?! (I had a quick thought, what if I’m seeing things) What is that!!”
She just smiled.
‘Oh my gosh!” and then I cried lol.
She said that she technically wasn’t supposed to say anything, but I could clearly see. She was so great, kept asking if I was ok and seemed pretty happy that she could be the bearer of good news. She took pics and some measurements and I saw fingers and toes and a heart and a spine. It was beautiful. There was about 1000 things going through my mind, most of it being all the things that were explained over the last 4 ish months, holy crap, I’ve been taking medicine for the crazy headaches I’ve been getting, as well as I guess I have to create a whole new plan now…..
It’s still sinking in that there’s an actual baby in there. And I have to be honest I feel way less prepared then I did with Chevelle lol. Maybe because we found out at 4 weeks instead of 18+ with this one (who I’m sure is a boy) So now we wait for our next ultrasound to see if July 27 is correct or if its closer to the beginning of July. It’s hard to remember those details so long ago lol. Thanks for reading this, I know it was long, but in my bias opinion, pretty cool:) I’m starting to think maybe I should trust my gut more…smile emoticon And thanks to those of you who’ve listen to my crazy yammering over the past few months, you know who you are, it helped immensely.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to continue perusing Pintrest for boy outfits and the such:)